you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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