I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
