so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
