would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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