He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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