He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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