Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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