I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
