I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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