youre lurking in front of me
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
