I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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