Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
