Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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