I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
