I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
