the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
