I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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