I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
