oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
