overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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