How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
