Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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