dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
