She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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