In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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