why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
