Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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