My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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