if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
