how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize