I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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