It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
