All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
