You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
