haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
