im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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