my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Blood and glitter go together right?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
