We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
