I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
