final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
