i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
