Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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