my sisters under your porch take her home
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
