She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
