Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
