My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
