Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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