i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize