margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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