Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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