I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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