The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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