i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
