Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The uberlube is also flammable
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
