The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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