Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
