I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize