i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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