Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
