God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
