my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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